Woke up to another rainy Vancouver day, and have my fingers crossed that the day will clear up for my run after work today. In the meantime I also woke up realizing that it's been a month of training! It's been a phenomenal month, and I am impressed with my own commitment to the training program. They say it takes three weeks to develop a new habit, although honestly I can't say that it's a "habit" just yet. But I do enjoy the runs!
As I've said I have been overwhelmed with the generosity of those who have donated. I have also been equally touched by the e-mails that I have had supporting my efforts. For many of my friends I realize that financially life is a struggle as it is, and so it is prohibitive for some to donate, but I do appreciate words of support as well!
I have however been a bit disappointed by the number of people who have seem to have "ignored" my e-mail. It's really been hard to realize that many people in my life whom I think so highly of and consider such a great part of my life, are not there to support me. I've stated in my letters and e-mails that words are equally important to me, and I find it hard to think that even close family members have simply not acknowledged the work that I am doing. This is hard work. I choose to live life positively and have tried to let it slide, but truthfully it hurts. So I suppose I need to focus on continuing to run to reach my goal, and to honor those people who have been supportive. So thanks to those of you who have reached out!
Later that day...
It's a few hours later and I'm feeling really down. I had a good cry in the car. In 1995 I had a lesion removed from my tongue and it was catagorized as "Carcinoma Insitu". All these years later I have had numerous other biopsies on the same area all coming up displastic. It's hard - my body has been through a lot since I was born - I have been in the hospital more times than anyone I'm sure realizes. Like 15 surguries? Something ridiculous. I'm tired of my body not working with me! Today I met with my specialist, and I now have to go in for an excision (taking out a larger part of my tongue than a biopsy - like the first time I had the lesion removed when I was out of work for almost two weeks). I am now meeting with an oral surgeon on June 29th. I'm tired of this shit!!!
Here's the kicker - I have kind of been in denial for all these years about saying that I "had cancer". Yes, carcinoma is a cancer, but it was one little spot. But I was looking at a life insurance form and I thought "hmmm...do I say I have had cancer? Am I someone who has had cancer?" I've been in denial and I keep saying no. But I asked the doctor today what I answer to those questions. The answer is yes. That was so hard to hear. I don't want to be someone who has had cancer. But I am really worried that I am now someone who has it again. I am worried about the results of this damn excision. I just don't want to do this alone. These are the times that I want my mum here. CANCER SUCKS. Dad had a tumour removed from his kidney last year and skin cancer removed before that; I've had cancer on my tongue; my grandfather had cancer of the brain; my other grandfather had lung cancer; my great uncle just had surgury for colon cancer, and mum had leukemia.
THIS IS WHY I AM RUNNING.
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