Day 33 - Rest Day

My cold has taken effect, and I am now a sniveling, sneezing mess. I am working from home today so that I don't affect those others that I work with in cubicle land, but I'm feeling no less miserable. But then I realize that it's only a cold. A cold passes - it has an ending. There is no cure for the common cold, but there is an ending to it. When my mum was sick I was under the delusion that she would get better. I believed that, like a cold, with the proper medication she would become healthy again. I denied that she was mortal and that the possibility was there that she would succumb to the disease. That is what has made her dying so difficult to accept. I didn't get to know her as an adult. I was a very young adult, but I was still dealing with my own issues, and was very self absorbed. She wanted the best for me - only the best - and she wanted me to be happy in life. And as a palliative care nurse herself she was well aware of the stages of grief. She knew I was stuck in the denial phase. She let me stay there knowing that one day I would move beyond that. It just took me a long time, and by then it was too late. I have so many days in which I wonder if she knew how much I loved her, and if she knew how scared I was. I am still scared. She was the last person that I really let into my heart. I have spent the past 12 years attempting to shield my heart from the pain of having someone leave. It's a mighty tall wall you have to climb to get to see inside my heart now. But I have to let go and accept that what's past is past. Oprah said it (yes, her again): "You are not your past". I am not my past. I am only affected by what has happened in my past. I cannot change it. I can only change what is to come. I am doing that. I am running.