Angry

I'm swaying between being angry and depressed. I just had my appointment with the oral surgeon, and I am definitely going to be having surgery again to remove part of my tongue. I'm angry because I have to do it, I'm scared because I know the pain is horrible (from the last time) and I'm depressed because it feels as though I am helpless. I'm also feeling all of those emotions all in one because he showed me the size of the area that will be taken out, and it may leave me with a slight speech impediment. It may not, but it may also be really bad. He can't say for sure. I'm scared. In my mind I feel like the cabaret may be the last chance I have to sing. It will be the last time I sing before the surgery. It makes the cabaret that much more important to me. But I've told them I can't have it done until after the marathon. So it looks like I will be running in Hawaii and then a few days later I will be hospital, and then out of commission for three weeks. Minimum.

But I have been wondering what I can actually do to make something good come out of this. I have some ideas. But I don't know. I need to sit in this for a while before I decide.